How appropriate my 48th post on my 48th birthday

 

This is going to be long and probably boring.

Hello beautiful people it is officially the new year. I don't want to dwell on the past as it is behind us and things cannot be changed.  I have a hard time letting things go and I overthink everything! Shocker, not for the ones who truly know me. Which by the way thank y'all for putting up with me, I don't know how you do it. One reason why I want to blog is to be able to express my thoughts and feelings. To share my poetry, and story's I find interesting or that could maybe help someone. Whether they're mine or someone else's. Some of the stuff I post might be triggering to people who have gone through trauma. So I will post a warning when I write about certain things. I also want to learn how to be me and to embrace the things I do not like about myself. Be the real me and not always have to pretend or act like life is great. Which seems to be getting harder as I'm getting older. I'm finding out if my mouth doesn't say it my face definitely will. I wear my heart and emotions on my sleeve most of the time. I have almost mastered how to hide my truly painful side and how I feel about myself. Sometimes that pain comes out in a form of shutting down or being overly excited, rebelling, coming off  as a witch and a host of other unhealthy toxic, red flag behaviors. Which I have and will continue to work on.  It's also hard when your name is Joy. People expect you to live up to that. Why is it when we're asked how are you doing most of us will respond fine, great, okay when in reality that's the farthest from the truth? Why can't we say how we really feel? Which I'm going to try and start doing. I think it's because of a lot of reasons. We are afraid of rejection, afraid of what people will think, or say about us and the list goes on. So with that being said let's jump on into the waters of what 2023 looked like for me. The start of the year had me trying to help someone who clearly didn't want it and the fixer in me couldn't let go (it took almost the whole year to.) With help of some really amazing people and my counselor I realized because I myself needed to be fixed. Also I learned what manipulation and narcissistic means. These type of people are good at love bombing you, telling you what you want to hear and making you think you are the problem and a multitude of other things. Due to this I almost lost a great and amazing person over it but thank God they cared and loved me enough to work things out. There is how ever a hurt because I did lose another person over it. Someone who I cared for very much. The problem with that person is they think I lied to them because of the actions of the one I had tried helping. I didn't tell the one I hurt the whole story once I found out because they had already started showing signs of distancing themselves from me. I regret not telling them what I had to say and the truth. We all know every side has two stories, well three.  I Learned A Lot From That Situation💔 it's also because of that situation I have decided to work on me and quit running from my truths and what God is wanting from me. Then in October my dad got sick and it's been hard watching him and my mother become homebound and declining from the people they once were. I take care of them and do things for them as to try and keep them in their home as they wish. Along with working and running my own household. I know it's probably time to start looking for a place to put them and making decisions for them and my family is hard and scary as I want to do the right thing. In between all this my refrigerator has gone out but I've been keeping it going but I Really need a new one as it freezes most of the things in it. My daughter and I were in a tornado, we were find but my car did receive some damage that I have yet to fix, receive some more news on my health issues, took on the role of teacher, as my daughter is homeschooling, need to replace my toilet in my bathroom so I don't have to walk to the other side of the house to go, broke my knob to the shower in my bathroom so you have to use scissors to pull up the little plastic piece to turn the shower on, dishwashers been out for years and my hot water heater went out and flooded my closet. That's just some of the million little things that happened but so is life. Let's not just talk about the negativity and doom and gloom but also some of the good things that took place. I became a great aunt for the sixth time, had some amazing road trips and adventures, got to help a lot of people with things they needed, which in turned lead to some amazing people and stories. Heard some amazing and powerful sermons at church and learned that God has a funny sense of humor. So here's to another year gone and a new one beginning. Looking forward to seeing what it brings. Y'all Live your life, make it count and go change the world.