The Past, The Present and The Future: Learning The Lessons
They say you will keep repeating the same lesson until you learn it. It'll come in different ways and forms to see if you have learned. With that being said I'm finally or think at least I'm learning it. It's been a long hard road with lots of heartache 💔
I look at my past and see that the lesson I was supposed to learn follow me to my present. I hurt the ones I love because I Can't let go of things or people who hurt me. I hang on to the idea that everyone is worth showing that they are cared for and loved. What I'm learning is that even though this is true some people don't want to be helped, they don't care how much you do for them and they don't want to change. It doesn't make them bad people but I can no longer cut myself into pieces and destroy myself helping them. That I have to let go no matter how painful it is and step out of the way to let God work it out. If I want my Joy back and for God to use me for what He made me for and my future to be what I dream of then I must stop being the enabler, the fixer, the healer, the problem solver and most importantly the world to some. I know that some of this doesn't make sense and that's ok. It's hard to figure out what to let go of and what to hold on to but I see a pattern. I can look back and see the test that God was and is giving me to see if I'm going to keep picking the same answer so to speak. So far the answer is that I do and that's why I keep having the same issues over and over and over again. God is patiently waiting for me to choose a different answer. As hard as that is going to be I Must Do It, especially if I want my future to be what I pray and dream of. I need to get my light back or as a friend of mine says get your dimple, glowing, joyful smile, blue eyes shining self. She told me when I'm truly happy I glow. Not many people can tell between my fake it to you make it mask and the real Joy. I'm not one usually to share my true self especially when I'm hurting, sad or going through a tough time. As I'm getting older it's getting harder to pretend that things are okay. I don't know why I feel like I have to always act like everything is fine. I guess it's the lies the devil tells me or how people act or say things when they hear certain things I've been through. I'm tired, I'm so tired and I want change. I want to be able to enjoy the here and now and not look back at the past and not to worry about the future. So my answer to God is going to change because I'm tired of this one lesson that is constantly on repeat. I must let go, block and delete, forgive and work on my healing so I can live. Lord I'm ready to give you a different answer so I can stop having the same lesson. I'm ready for new lessons so I can grow and do what you called me to do. Thank You for patiently waiting for me to see the light. Thank You for always sending the right people and messages at the right time. Thank You for allowing my heart to be broken so that I only have you to lean on. Here's to boundaries, saying No, not having to explain myself, putting myself first, and a whole list of other things. It way past time for this but better late then never. I saw a shirt last night at church that said Love Them Anyways. This got me thinking I can love them by praying for them but not have them in my life and that is ok. Not everyone is supposed to have access to me and they don't have a right to. It's not for them to understand because I realize that some people will never get what your trying to to say no matter how many time you say it or explain it. So instead of always being upset and frustrated I'm just going to be quiet and not respond. I don't want my past or present to effect my future. No more carrying this baggage, it's time to repack and let it go. My future depends on what I do now in the present.
#thislittlelightofmineImgoingtoletitshine
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